Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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