bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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