phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
