Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
