If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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