i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
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I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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