no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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