I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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