Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
