Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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