So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
