If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
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