My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
