What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.