My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
29 People Who Do Dirty Things Just To Get Their Way
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"