Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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