I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I am one with the molecules
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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