420 ftw
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
