my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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