i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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