My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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