brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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