And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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