maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
