I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
