rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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