I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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