Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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