2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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