i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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