if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
