oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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