ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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