K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
