I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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