I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
