If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
