forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
