a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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