Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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