There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
