After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
