I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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