Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
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I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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