i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I think I won the penis lottery.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
