ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
