she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
