Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
