Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I need a beard to bite.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
