I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Hippo gnu deer
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
