omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
