That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
