ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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