you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
