no, he came in my armpit
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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