Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
