smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize