the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
