wanna go halves on a baby?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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