I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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